Years of Research Conclude Protein Powder Is Not Solid Gold

After years of meticulous, taxpayer-funded research, a team of dedicated scientists has bravely confirmed what most reasonable adults had, until now, only conjectured: protein powder is not, in fact, a rare earth element or a viable substitute for gold. This groundbreaking revelation, published today, shatters the hopes of countless individuals who, for years, have been meticulously scooping their protein powder into shakers, secretly convinced they were diversifying their investment portfolios alongside their biceps.

Furthermore, the same intrepid researchers, whose dedication to the human palate borders on masochism, announced a secondary, equally astonishing finding: some of these powdered concoctions do not actively taste like common building materials. Through what can only be described as a Herculean effort of sensory evaluation, experts identified several formulations that did not immediately evoke the sensation of consuming drywall. The Food and Drug Administration has yet to issue updated guidelines for this new, incredibly low bar for gustatory acceptability, but fitness enthusiasts can now, apparently, enjoy their post-workout beverages without needing an immediate trip to the emergency room for suspected gypsum ingestion. This research, funded by the National Institutes of Health, promises to revolutionize the multibillion-dollar dietary supplements industry.