Unilever Rejects Ice Cream's Bid To Stabilize Middle East

It appears the path to peace in the Middle East, long and fraught with complexities, has hit an unexpected snag: the frozen dessert aisle. Sources suggest that Unilever, the multinational behemoth, has – with what we can only assume was a grave sense of duty – prevented the release of a particularly potent new flavour from its subsidiary, a flavour apparently so imbued with diplomatic potential it could single-handedly usher in an era of tranquility. One can only imagine the boardroom debate: "But sir, this pistachio swirl could end centuries of conflict!"

Undeterred by the corporate juggernaut, Ben Cohen), a co-founder whose name is synonymous with innovative dessert-based social activism, is reportedly going rogue. He plans to independently concoct a new flavour – a watermelon variety, no less – to ensure that the vital work of palatable diplomacy continues, unburdened by profit margins or the cold, hard logic of global brand management. Truly, a heroic stand against the chilling prospect of a world without peace-themed sorbet. The stakes, clearly, have never been higher for our collective sweet tooth and, by extension, world peace.