US Treasury Unveils New Strategic Illicit Asset Reserve

The esteemed US Treasury has reportedly inaugurated a novel strategic initiative, the "Illicit Asset Reserve," poised to buttress the national balance sheet with… wait for it… seized digital currency. This forward-thinking strategy, we understand, involves patiently awaiting the successful prosecution of alleged miscreants before kindly relieving them of their ill-gotten gains. Who needs to mine for Bitcoin when the industrious purveyors of global illicit finance are doing it for you? It's a remarkably efficient, if somewhat morally ambiguous, supply chain.

One particularly promising acquisition, we're told, involves a significant cache of virtual currency currently in the care of a Cambodia-based entity. Should the alleged ringleader be found guilty – a mere formality, one presumes, given the Treasury’s keen interest – these substantial holdings will transition seamlessly from the murky depths of alleged criminality to the hallowed vaults of state-sponsored financial fortitude. This innovative approach to national wealth generation through criminal forfeiture truly redefines "diversified portfolio."