Trump's Earth-shattering Announcement Fails To Budge Pizza Index

The world, with bated breath, awaited the seismic aftershocks of a recent, highly publicized declaration from Donald Trump. Yet, in a testament to the ironclad resilience of truly critical economic barometers, the fabled Pentagon Pizza Index remained as stubbornly unmoved as a cold slice on a Monday morning. Analysts, perched precariously on their digital pulpits, noted a conspicuous absence of cheese-related market agitation.

While the political sphere grappled with what was surely a monumental utterance, the real pulse of speculative capitalism beat elsewhere. Enter the intrepid pioneers of prediction markets, unveiling their revolutionary new frontier: wagering on whether a particularly athletic individual will grace the endzone once, twice, or perhaps even thrice during a National Football League skirmish. This, apparently, is where genuine market dynamism resides. The profound questions, it turns out, are less about geopolitical shifts and more about the statistical likelihood of a tight end’s forward momentum. One can only assume the Pizza Index awaits a truly impactful event, perhaps a national topping shortage.