Trump Concedes Battle In War Against Affordable Coffee

The White House announced a strategic retreat this week, temporarily pausing its long-standing crusade against the nation’s beloved morning ritual. After months of valiantly ensuring that the cost of a simple cuppa was as bracing as its contents, the Trump administration has, with characteristic grace, decided that perhaps the working stiff shouldn't have to mortgage a kidney for a latte.

This unprecedented act of magnanimity, delivered via executive order), signals a stunning pivot from the previous economic strategy, which appeared largely focused on making everyday commodities feel like luxury imports. The decision to spare the humble coffee bean, along with its equally struggling compatriot, the banana, from punitive tariffs comes only after a discernible uptick in public grumbling, rather than, say, a sudden epiphany regarding basic supply-side economics.

One can only speculate what other crucial staples might soon be deemed worthy of affordability. Perhaps next, the very air we breathe will be exempt from an unexpected customs duty, provided enough citizens begin visibly hyperventilating in public.