Report: Crypto Not Yet Bad Enough To Be Actually Bad

Reports indicate that the much-maligned digital frontier, Cryptocurrency, has not yet achieved the stratospheric heights of systemic disruption truly worthy of universal condemnation. While its purported demise has become a punchline drier than a crypto bro's portfolio after a 'correction', this perennial 'death' merely signifies a persistent, almost adorable, refusal to truly expire. We are, apparently, still in the nascent stages of its grand, slow-motion unfurling of chaos.

Indeed, the diligent archivists at 99Bitcoins meticulously track its numerous "obituaries," a testament not to its fragility, but to its uncanny ability to fail upwards, or at least sideways, into continued relevance. The current level of market volatility, environmental impact, and individual financial ruin is, one must understand, a mere dress rehearsal. Real financial instruments collapse with panache; crypto, it seems, is still learning to tie its shoelaces before tripping spectacularly over its own decentralized feet. Experts anticipate the truly catastrophic, the kind that might actually prompt serious Securities and Exchange Commission intervention, is yet to come.