Perpetually Cold People To Be Reclassified As Geothermal Vents

The Ministry of Thermal Regulation has announced a groundbreaking new directive for those individuals persistently registering below optimal warmth. Effective immediately, the chronically chilled, previously categorized under “unimpressive heat sinks,” will now be officially reclassified as minor geothermal vents. This move, lauded by some as a compassionate acknowledgment of their unique thermal footprint, aims to integrate these individuals into the natural geological infrastructure, thereby optimizing resource allocation.

Critics, naturally, decry the reclassification as an erosion of human rights, arguing that a penchant for extra sweaters does not constitute a geological phenomenon. However, proponents point to the economic benefits: no longer will precious energy be wasted attempting to bring these human anomalies to room temperature when they can instead provide a low-grade, localized heating solution. The new diagnostic criteria, expected to be integrated into the next revision of the International Classification of Diseases, suggest a future where a person’s preferred ambient temperature dictates their existential category. One can only hope a "warm and fuzzy" feeling is still somehow accommodated.