North Korea's Global Crypto Empire Runs On Three Laptops

The international community, perpetually caught off guard by the sheer resourcefulness of the Hermit Kingdom, is once again reeling from the revelation that North Korea has been operating a vast, clandestine crypto empire. Apparently, this intricate web of global financial malfeasance, capable of funnelling illicit funds to its ever-expanding weapons programs, managed to accomplish all of this with the kind of minimalist setup typically reserved for a fledgling podcast.

One can only marvel at the efficiency. While other nations require sprawling data centers and an army of finance wizards, Pyongyang seems to have perfected the art of generating billions (or at least, a significant portion of what is deemed a global threat) from what observers estimate to be little more than a handful of moderately powered laptops and an impressive grasp of basic internet security. The U.S. Treasury, in a sweeping act of bureaucratic precision, has now sanctioned an impressive roster of eight bankers, two companies, and 53 crypto wallets. Clearly, no stone, or indeed, no pixelated Bitcoin icon, was left unturned in the pursuit of what must be one of the most efficient, low-overhead criminal enterprises ever conceived.