New TikTok Overlords To Announce Global Bedtime Policy

The seismic shift in digital governance, long prophesied by anyone who's ever scrolled past their own biological clock, has finally arrived. The new proprietors of TikTok are reportedly poised to unveil their inaugural global policy initiative: a mandatory, algorithmically-determined bedtime. Sources close to the freshly installed Overlords suggest this is merely the first logical step in leveraging the platform's unparalleled informational sway, ensuring peak user "wellness" by force. After all, if a platform can dictate dance trends and fashion, why not sleep cycles?

Citizens worldwide are expected to receive their personalized nightly cessation notifications, complete with a countdown timer and a non-negotiable lullaby track, directly through the app. Resistance, of course, is futile; the very essence of modern social media has conditioned us to accept notifications as gospel. One can only imagine the sheer data crunching required to optimize a planet's slumber, tailored down to individual REM cycles based on your last viral video.

This benevolent digital dictatorship promises a more rested, more productive populace, presumably for the benefit of generating even more captivating content during approved waking hours. The irony, it seems, sleeps soundly.