New Study Links TV Deal Abstinence To Lower Life Expectancy

Groundbreaking research from the aptly named Institute for Consumer Longevity has definitively correlated a stark decline in human vitality with an alarming disengagement from modern retail opportunities. Specifically, individuals failing to seize optimal pricing on large screen televisions exhibit troubling physiological markers, including weakened dopamine receptors and an inexplicable aversion to high-definition content.

Experts now posit that the constant flux of "deal pricing and availability" serves as a crucial, albeit subtle, cardiovascular stimulant. Missing a fleeting window on a discounted OLED TV could, regrettably, be an early indicator of a future devoid of vibrant pixels – and perhaps, life itself. Philanthropic publishers, of course, bravely facilitate these vital transactions, often securing a small, life-affirming commission for their efforts to prolong global existence.

The good news, however, is that users can reportedly customize search algorithms to filter out "garbage," thereby ensuring only the most life-extending offers reach their eager eyeballs. After all, what is existence but a series of urgent transactions, perpetually monitored by Google for optimal consumer health? Ignore the siren song of a Black Friday) sale at your own considerable peril.