New Study Confirms: The Future Is Just Salmon, Forever

The scientific community has, with characteristic enthusiasm, unveiled its grand solution to the persistent nuisance of global hunger: more fish. Specifically, an abundance of farmed salmon, cultivated with the kind of boundless efficiency previously reserved for spreadsheets and existential dread. Forget the quaint notion of dietary diversity; our future palates will be graced with a singular, glorious flavour profile, ensuring every meal is both predictable and, crucially, scalable.

Indeed, future generations, liberated from the bewildering complexity of choice, will enjoy the serene certainty of a salmon-based existence. Culinary arts will evolve into an intricate study of salmon preparation methods, while the very concept of a "food desert" will be hilariously anachronistic, replaced by "optimized aquaculture zones." The logistical elegance of simply churning out vast quantities of Atlantic salmon is presented as humanity's most profound achievement, dwarfing mere trivialities like biodiversity or the occasional existential craving for, say, a carrot.

This brave new world, we are assured, is not merely sustainable; it is *inevitable*. Any lingering qualms about environmental impact or the sheer, numbing monotony are merely the charming, if antiquated, objections of a species not yet fully accustomed to its designated role as a highly efficient protein consumer.