New Study Confirms: Ocean Is Mostly Just Whales Now

A groundbreaking new study has, with remarkable precision, confirmed what many of us suspected after squinting at the horizon for more than five minutes: the ocean is now principally a vast, undulating parking lot for large marine mammals. The report, compiled through a robust "citizen science" effort, suggests that volunteer counters have successfully identified an unprecedented number of whales – often by the ingenious method of observing them directly.

This astonishing census, conducted by individuals armed with little more than binoculars and a commendable commitment to data entry, has apparently shattered previous records. While the sheer density of baleen and toothed leviathans might lead some to question the long-term viability of other forms of marine ecosystems or, indeed, the humble fishing vessel, the enthusiasm from the counting community remains undimmed. One can only assume their next project will involve a comprehensive survey of water's wetness.

The good news, for those who enjoy panoramic views of nothing but flukes and blowholes, is that the trend shows no sign of abating. Prepare your coastal properties accordingly.