New Research Shows Bitcoin Profits Too High For Comfort

New research indicates a truly alarming trend in the cryptocurrency world: people are making *too much money*. A recent Glassnode report reveals that an astonishing 95% of the entire Bitcoin supply is currently profitable. One can only imagine the sheer existential dread this must inflict upon market strategists, whose entire careers are predicated on the comforting predictability of widespread financial anguish.

This unprecedented prosperity, naturally, poses an existential threat to the delicate ecosystem of financial instability we've all come to know and love. Analysts, no doubt clutching their pearls, suggest that such unchecked profitability will inevitably trigger ‘sell-offs.’ Not because investors might want to *realize* gains, mind you, but because the universe simply cannot sustain such blatant good fortune. A much-needed market correction is not just likely, it's arguably a moral imperative, lest we forget the true joy of economic precarity.