NFL Week 1 Already Best Week Ever, All Other Weeks Canceled

It appears the National Football League has peaked. After precisely one week of competition, observers are already declaring a 'Game of the Year,' which, if true, means the remaining four months of play are now little more than an elaborate, high-budget epilogue. One must wonder at the sheer hubris of scheduling another 271 contests when perfection was achieved so swiftly.

The spectacle of two Most Valuable Player candidates engaging in a glorified gladiatorial contest, culminating in a dramatic, double-digit recovery, has evidently exhausted the sport’s entire reservoir of narrative tension. Any subsequent match-up, no matter how hard the players 'try,' will inevitably feel like watching a reenactment of a truly great moment, rather than experiencing one. Perhaps the sensible thing to do now is simply award the Lombardi Trophy to both teams and let everyone go home. The anticipation for next year, when such cosmic alignment might occur again – perhaps coincident with a solar eclipse – would be truly unbearable.