NBA Astounded To Learn Money Can Influence Outcomes

In a stunning revelation that has reportedly left league executives clutching their pearls, the NBA has apparently just discovered a startling correlation between significant financial incentives and human behavior. Following an incident involving what some are calling "gambling," a sport-adjacent activity where individuals wager money on outcomes, the league has seemingly concluded that "more can be done" to ensure the sanctity of its multi-billion-dollar enterprise.

Sources close to the ongoing internal dialogue suggest that this groundbreaking insight, which posits that large sums of money might, at times, influence decisions, arrived via carrier pigeon. The memo, urgently dispatched to all 30 teams, implies that previously, the integrity of professional sports was simply assumed to be a natural byproduct of athletic prowess, untouched by the vast sums exchanged daily via sponsorships, player contracts, and the increasingly ubiquitous world of sports betting. One can only imagine the arduous mental gymnastics required to connect "money" with "motivation" within a capitalist framework.