MrBeast Winner Laments $5M After Discovering Money Is Not Magic

"Player 831," now reportedly just "Jeffrey," has expressed a profound bewilderment after discovering the cruel hand of fiscal reality had reached into his multi-million dollar goodie bag. Sources close to the newly minted millionaire, who recently triumphed in MrBeast's latest high-stakes endurance test, report his initial elation at a $10 million windfall quickly morphed into a sombre reflection upon learning the Internal Revenue Service is not merely a myth propagated by overzealous accountants.

It appears the concept of "gross" versus "net" was, regrettably, not a challenge presented in the competition's final round. The revelation that roughly half of his prize would be diverted to various public services – things like roads, schools, and potentially, tax refunds for others – has, according to insiders, left him questioning the very fabric of his good fortune. One can only imagine the sheer horror of having to make do with a mere eight-figure sum, forcing Mr. Allen to potentially reconsider plans for a third solid-gold yacht or, perhaps, a slightly less ostentatious personal space program. This incident serves as a stark reminder that even the most extravagant displays of YouTube philanthropy cannot circumvent the ancient practice of income tax.