Mike Johnson Delays Epstein File Release Over Stapler Shortage

The esteemed Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has, with characteristic candor, clarified the unavoidable delay in the highly anticipated release of the Epstein files. It appears a critical, indeed existential, shortage of official government-issue staplers has rendered the entire administrative apparatus of the U.S. House of Representatives utterly paralyzed. One simply cannot collate documents of such grave national importance with mere paperclips, let alone the barbarism of loose pages.

Congressional aides, reportedly working in dimly lit, un-staplered panic, are said to be meticulously hand-folding corners, a process deemed far too inefficient for the demands of transparency. Sources close to the Speaker indicate he is personally overseeing the procurement of replacement staplers, likely involving delicate negotiations with international stationery cartels. The public is, of course, expected to understand that ensuring proper document binding takes precedence over, well, everything else.