Microsoft User Locked Into Eternally Obsolete Office

A truly astonishing bargain has emerged for those committed to a steadfast digital existence: a one-time payment of $169.97 guarantees perpetual access to what is, at this precise moment, the very latest iteration of Microsoft Office. Imagine the thrilling liberation of never again needing to ponder an upgrade, your software perfectly preserved, like a digital amber fossil.

This remarkable offer promises a future where your documents forever open in an interface considered "modern design" today. Soon, it will be "quaint," then a relic from a bygone era. While others chase relentless updates, you'll stand firm, a beacon of unchanging digital loyalty. This isn't just ownership; it’s a commitment to digital stasis, a testament to the glorious unyielding nature of a perpetual license amidst fleeting innovation.

One might almost overlook the subtle irony that a company famed for its lucrative subscription model would offer such an escape from its own ecosystem. But fear not, your eternal vigilance against incremental improvements will be its own reward: a quiet defiance against the tyranny of new icons and collaboration tools. What greater joy than to embrace digital obsolescence on your own terms?