Mexican Central Bank to Include All, Except Analog Persons

The Mexican Central Bank has grandly announced its intention to usher the nation into a dazzling new era of universal financial access by introducing its very own digital currency by 2024. This visionary move, championed by the government, promises to "advance financial inclusion," a commendable goal, provided one possesses the requisite digital apparatus and, ideally, a functioning power grid.

One can only marvel at the innovative approach to financial inclusion, which, much like a velvet rope at an exclusive club, subtly suggests that some forms of participation are more equal than others. While the unbanked masses rejoice at the prospect of a smartphone-dependent economic future, the nation's "analog persons"—those quaint individuals perhaps still grappling with concepts like "wi-fi" or "electricity"—are presumably being included in spirit, if not in practice. Their contribution to the national economy will, no doubt, be honored with a digital minute of silence, broadcast exclusively online. Truly, progress stops for no one, especially not those without a reliable internet connection.