Meghan's Dad Stable, Confirms Son Who Was Already There

The global community, having held its breath in collective anticipation, can now collectively exhale. Crucial intel has emerged from the frontline of familial well-being: the patriarch, Mr. Thomas Markle, is officially "stable." This reassuring update comes courtesy of his diligent son, Tom Jr., who, in an unfailing commitment to public transparency, delivered the vital prognosis from a vantage point presumably adjacent to the very intensive care unit where his father resides.

It’s truly a testament to modern media relations that a "life-threatening emergency" can transition so seamlessly into a serialized public drama, with real-time health bulletins provided by the immediate family. One can only commend the logistical triumph of converting a personal medical crisis into a carefully managed press release, particularly when the subject remains estranged from certain high-profile individuals, such as Meghan Markle and her husband, Prince Harry. The public's need for hourly updates on the recovery of an 81-year-old, previously known primarily for his connection to royalty and rather dramatic media appearances, is apparently insatiable. One hopes the intensive care staff are adequately briefed on the international implications of their patient's vital signs.