Local News Survives First Week By Eliminating Humanity

"Local News" has triumphantly navigated its inaugural week, an impressive feat for any fledgling enterprise in the current information climate. The outlet proudly announced an astounding output of over 600 articles, a veritable torrent of content for its — shall we say — discerning and numerically modest audience. But the real coup, the innovative leap that truly sets this publication apart, isn't about the *what* but the *who*, or rather, the *who-isn't-there*.

In a move described as "revolutionary efficiency," the newsroom has achieved a complete eradication of the pesky human element in its "clanker post" operations. This 100% automated workflow ensures that no subjective thought, no union break, and certainly no inconvenient questioning of editorial directives will ever again impede the relentless flow of "essential" reporting. Future readers can rest assured that their local news updates will be delivered with an unparalleled, unfeeling precision, free from the messy inefficiencies of biological input. It’s a bold new era for journalism, where the ultimate success is defined by the complete absence of journalists. This triumph of artificial intelligence over inconvenient reality marks a truly modern approach to serving the public.