Jets Acquire Player With Known Human Qualities In Trade

The New York Jets have reportedly bolstered their roster with a player who, sources confirm, exhibits discernible human characteristics. This acquisition, finalized just before the NFL trade deadline, marks a radical shift for a franchise often perceived as operating in a dimension slightly askew from reality. Early reports suggest the newly arrived athlete from the Los Angeles Chargers possesses a documented heartbeat and an observable ability to process information above a rudimentary level.

Team management did not deny whispers that the individual may even possess a fully functional prefrontal cortex. Such a development, if true, could revolutionize their notoriously unpredictable game-day strategies, potentially introducing the radical concept of 'coherent thought'. One can only imagine the tactical advantages gained by fielding someone capable of distinguishing between friend and foe without external guidance.

Analysts are already speculating whether this precedent-setting move signals a league-wide trend towards acquiring players who are not, in fact, sentient piles of existential dread. The sheer audacity of expecting consistent performance from a participant who reportedly "experiences emotions" and "understands basic physics" is, frankly, breathtaking.