Ingebrigtsen Successfully Terrible In 1500m Heat

The athletic world (and by "world," we mean that niche corner of the internet that cares about mid-distance running) was reportedly agog this week as Jakob Ingebrigtsen, a human being whose professional capacity for locomotion far outstrips mere mortals, described his performance in a 1500m heat at the ongoing World Championships as "terrible." One can only imagine the sheer existential horror of such an event: perhaps he lost a shoe, or worse, finished slightly behind another equally fast human.

Such a profound declaration from a gold medal contender surely signifies a catastrophic failure of performance, akin to a surgeon forgetting which end of the scalpel to hold. Or perhaps, it merely indicates that for the truly elite, anything less than superhuman perfection is, by definition, a descent into the abysmal. Rest assured, the planet will likely continue its rotation despite this minor disruption to one man's pursuit of yet another shiny object.