Homeland Security Warns: Pigs Are Now Self-Butchering for Crypto

The Department of Homeland Security has issued a rather pointed advisory this week, warning citizens of a startling new development in global financial crime: pigs, it seems, are now self-butchering for cryptocurrency. Sources close to the agency, who apparently spent considerable time observing livestock behavior, describe a meticulously orchestrated process wherein particularly ambitious swine are, well, processing themselves, then somehow converting the resulting assets into untraceable digital tokens. It’s certainly a novel approach to market diversification.

This sophisticated new iteration of what experts are now terming "porcine finance" is reportedly expanding into a full-blown transnational crime model, blending the traditional methods of animal husbandry with cutting-edge blockchain technology. One can only imagine the quarterly earnings calls in these barnyards. The primary concern for Homeland Security isn't just the health code violations, but the potentially devastating impact on pork futures and the global financial order if every farm animal decides to become a decentralized autonomous organization.

Frankly, it raises significant questions about who the real "pigs" are in this scenario. Perhaps we should simply applaud their entrepreneurial spirit before we start building firewalls around every pigsty.