Harvard To Replace History Department With Crypto Trading Floor

One can only applaud the venerable Harvard University for its bold, fiscally responsible pivot into the digital age. While lesser institutions might still be mired in the quaint pursuit of knowledge, Harvard’s latest quarterly filings reveal a truly visionary tripling of its exposure to Bitcoin via exchange-traded funds. This isn't mere speculation; it's a strategic realignment of priorities, proving that the real currency of intellect is, in fact, speculative digital assets.

Indeed, why bother with the costly upkeep of dusty libraries or the hiring of tenured professors when the future of fiscal sustainability clearly lies in the volatile yet undeniably thrilling world of decentralized finance? One imagines the university's formidable endowment fund managers, once burdened by ethical investment guidelines, now gleefully refreshing their trading screens. Emory University, too, is reportedly joining this sensible exodus from traditional academic rigor, demonstrating a refreshing commitment to market trends over, say, the humanities. Clearly, the path to academic excellence in the 21st century involves fewer essays and more leveraged positions.