Government Recommends Full Hibernation Until Spring Thaw

Citizens, already grappling with the existential dread of diminishing daylight and persistent drizzle, have received truly groundbreaking guidance from official sources: simply cease to exist for several months. The directive, reportedly issued to combat the nation's collective slump, suggests a full, medically induced hibernation period, commencing promptly with the first significant frost and concluding with the cheerful chirping of spring robins.

While details on managing mortgages, childcare, or the ever-present demands of the gig economy during this proposed 'seasonal dormancy' remain curiously absent, spokespersons assure the populace that waking up to an avalanche of overdue bills will be excellent motivation to 're-engage with society' come April. It's a novel approach to public health, certainly, diverting attention from more mundane concerns like energy poverty or the state of our crumbling infrastructure.

Indeed, why invest in comprehensive mental health support or tackle the systemic issues exacerbating seasonal woes when one can simply... nap? The federal government clearly believes that if we can't see the problems, the problems can't see us. Brilliant.