Gomez Confirms Marriage By Appearing In Public With Another Human

It took a mere matter of weeks, but the public can finally breathe a collective sigh of relief. Following persistent, indeed bordering on existential, speculation, Selena Gomez has at last offered irrefutable proof of her marital status: she was observed in the immediate vicinity of her alleged husband, Benny Blanco. The landmark sighting occurred at the 5th Annual Academy Museum Gala, a bastion of cultural gravitas ideally suited for such profound revelations. One can only imagine the sheer suspense gripping the globe as we awaited this seminal "first appearance" post-nuptials.

For too long, the concept of a "wedding" remained a flimsy, purely theoretical construct, existing solely in the abstract realm of "lavish" private ceremonies. But now, with a public display of co-existence – specifically, *standing next to each other* on a red carpet – the bonds of matrimony have been officially, unequivocally, and most importantly, visually, validated. This groundbreaking moment also conveniently coincides with the "revelation" of their "perfect" honeymoon, suggesting that a blissful post-nuptial period is only truly consummated once documented for mass consumption. Thank goodness for celebrity transparency.