Fear Gauge Spikes As Algorithm Calculates Tomorrow Is Monday

The venerable Volatile Index, affectionately known as Wall Street’s sentient fear barometer, has, with predictable theatrics, thrown a dramatic fit. After what some analysts termed a "respite"—a brief period during which market participants apparently forgot how to generate maximum anxiety—the digital wails are once again echoing across trading floors. Apparently, an unnamed Artificial Intelligence algorithm, likely programmed by a particularly cynical teenager, has precisely calculated that the sun will, in fact, rise on Monday.

This seismic revelation, previously unthinkable to the sophisticated predictive models that guide our global economy, has sent shivers down the spine of every equity analyst currently trying to extend their weekend. While some less imaginative commentators are pointing to geopolitical tensions and a burgeoning US-China trade dispute as the culprits, true market veterans know better. The real horror, the fundamental dread, lies in the impending cascade of emails and the existential question: "What exactly did I accomplish this week?" The market, it seems, just isn't built for peace, or weekends.