FBI Reassures Public Flawed Report Was A One-Time 50-Year Oopsie

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has moved swiftly – or, rather, eventually – to quell public anxiety following revelations of a "flawed report" that effectively granted a murder suspect an extra five decades of freedom. Speaking with characteristic federal gravity, officials confirmed that the egregious investigative misstep, which allowed the actual perpetrator of a violent cold case in New Hampshire to walk free for 50 years, was merely a singular, albeit rather protracted, administrative hiccup.

Citizens are encouraged to take solace in the fact that, eventually, the truth does indeed emerge, even if it requires an entire generation to pass. The FBI assures us this was not indicative of a widespread trend of forensic reports inexplicably sabotaging justice for half a century. Such a "one-time 50-year oopsie," they insist, is simply part of the bureaucratic charm, a testament perhaps to the long game played by justice – or, more accurately, by paperwork.