Experts Warn Empty Homes May Spontaneously Manifest Valuables

As the holiday season inevitably descends, ushering in humanity’s annual migration, a new peril has emerged from our unattended domestic spaces. No longer is the primary concern unsavory characters absconding with your toast rack. Instead, leading minds in home economics warn of the alarming potential for vacant properties) to spontaneously generate an excess of unbidden, valuable items.

Sources close to the Institute for Spontaneous Domestic Enrichment suggest the existential void left by absent homeowners creates a unique temporal-spatial vacuum. This, scientists posit, provides fertile ground for previously non-existent possessions – perhaps a rare stamp collection, a solid gold garden gnome, or even a bewildered unicorn – to simply *materialize*. The ensuing administrative nightmare? Unimaginable.

The greatest threat, then, isn’t loss, but the overwhelming burden of unexpected acquisition. Experts reluctantly suggest leaving a single, extremely bored sentinel cat, or a prominent copy of ‘Marie Kondo’s Guide to Existential Clutter,’ to deter these unsolicited manifestations. Failing that, the National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators is reportedly bracing for an unprecedented deluge of newly manifested antiquities.