ETH Up After 43-Day U.S. Shutdown Revealed To Be Printer Jam

The recent "historic" 43-day federal impasse, which reportedly sent tremors through global financial markets and apparently halted the very gears of commerce, has finally concluded. And the culprit? A rogue paper jam, according to sources privy to the inner workings of Washington's most vital bureaus. Yes, that's right. The multi-trillion-dollar engine of the U.S. government was allegedly brought to its knees, not by ideological deadlock or grand policy disputes, but by an HP LaserJet 4000 series that simply refused to cooperate.

Experts, who had spent weeks analyzing intricate geopolitical shifts and the subtle pronouncements from the Federal Reserve, can now breathe a collective sigh of relief, knowing the fate of investor confidence hinged entirely on whether someone remembered to jiggle the paper tray. With the offending document now successfully printed (a memo, perhaps, about the importance of regular printer maintenance), markets have predictably surged. Ethereum, in particular, has seen a robust rebound, presumably as traders celebrate the triumphant return of basic office functionality. One can only imagine the next financial crisis will be triggered by a faulty stapler.