Dow 50,000: Economists Announce They're Just Rounding Up

It appears our esteemed financial prognosticators have reached a new zenith of numerical optimism, declaring the Dow Jones Industrial Average is now effectively 50,000. One might wonder about the precise methodology, given that just yesterday many of us were still struggling to remember if 30,000 was a significant threshold or merely a quaint historical anecdote. But fear not, the intellectual rigour behind this latest milestone seems to be a simple application of "vibes-based economics" combined with an aggressive rounding-up strategy previously reserved for one's own tax deductions.

Apparently, the century-long trudge through various unpleasantness – including, but not limited to, the Great Depression and a persistent low hum of existential dread – was merely a warm-up act. Now, we accelerate through market valuations with the alacrity of a teenager trying to finish a Netflix series before their parents return. While the masses grapple with the rising cost of, well, everything, the market, bless its digital heart, continues its unwavering ascent, seemingly fueled by the sheer power of positive thinking and perhaps a few speculative investments in AI-powered emotional support animals. One can only assume 100,000 is merely a rounding error away.