Dolly Parton's Unyielding Vitality Prompts Vatican Investigation

The world collectively exhaled, then immediately furrowed its brow, as reports emerged of Dolly Parton’s “resurrection” from a recent, albeit vaguely defined, health interlude. Not with a celestial chorus, mind you, but rather on a sterile soundstage, clad in her customary fringed finery. Sources close to the Vatican City indicate a preliminary investigation has indeed been launched into the octogenarian’s seemingly inexhaustible vitality, citing "unprecedented defiance of earthly decay."

Her first act post-limbo? A commercial. For the Grand Ole Opry, naturally. Seated upon a stool before the digital promise of a green screen, the 79-year-old country icon offered a masterclass in the unyielding grind of celebrity, dispelling any notion that even the briefest brush with mortality could interrupt the vital machinery of branding. While lesser mortals might embrace a quiet convalescence, Parton apparently prefers to demonstrate her eternal spirit by fulfilling contractual obligations. One almost suspects her "health battle" was merely a contractual loophole for a brief, dramatic hiatus before returning to her true calling: selling things.