Crypto Outflows Halt As Remaining Investors Have Nothing Left

The digital asset market, in a remarkable display of... well, stasis, has reportedly seen a significant slowdown in its recent exodus of capital. Experts, largely defined as those still employed within the industry, are cautiously optimistic, suggesting that the recent trend of nearly two billion dollars vanishing into the ether might finally be levelling off. This newfound stability, it is whispered, owes less to renewed investor confidence and more to the simple fact that anyone with a spare penny to withdraw has likely already done so, multiple times, probably with trembling hands.

The Bitcoin and Ethereum exchange-traded funds, which previously served as convenient one-way chutes for substantial sums, appear to have reached equilibrium. This 'rebound,' as some analysts are enthusiastically labelling the market's current state of motionless despair, indicates a profound shift. It seems investors are now simply out of things to divest, having already liquidated heirlooms, pets, and possibly internal organs in their desperate scramble. A true testament to the tenacity of capital, or perhaps just the undeniable mathematical reality of zero.