Commerce Sec. Finds Epstein Hidden In Budget Line Item 3B

The esteemed Secretary of Commerce, a man surely accustomed to the most mundane of fiscal anomalies, has reportedly unearthed a rather... *living* entry in a departmental budget line item. Sources indicate that Line 3B, typically reserved for "unforeseen operational expenses" or perhaps a particularly ambitious stapler procurement, was found to contain the name of one Jeffrey Epstein.

This revelation, apparently discovered during a routine audit of "Miscellaneous Personnel & Special Projects," has undoubtedly complicated the administration's ongoing, decades-long quest for a unified narrative regarding the deceased financier. While the White House has valiantly attempted to distance itself from the specter of Epstein, it seems a quiet corner of the federal budget was, in fact, still quite fiscally attached. One must commend the thoroughness of the Department's accounting team; few could have predicted that the man’s influence would extend even to bureaucratic spreadsheets, proving some figures truly are impossible to balance out. The cost of, shall we say, *maintaining* a budget line for a man long departed remains, for now, a mystery for future auditors.