Columbia's Lost And Found: 870,000 Lunches, One Data Breach

According to sources familiar with the matter, local university students found themselves in a peculiar predicament this week when they discovered that not only had their lunches mysteriously vanished from campus eateries, but also their personal data had been pilfered in an unprecedented cyber heist.

The culprit? A rogue sandwich thief with an insatiable appetite for both cold cuts and confidential information, known only as "The Great Lunch-and-Data Burglar." This mastermind has managed to abscond with the lunch money of over 870,000 students, staff, and applicants at Columbia University.

In a statement released by university officials, they assured the public that this data breach was not in any way related to their robust security measures, claiming it was more likely due to the university's new "bring your lunch, leave your privacy" policy.

Meanwhile, students are now scrambling to find alternative sources for both sustenance and digital identity protection. Some have taken matters into their own hands by starting a campus-wide sandwich strike, while others have resorted to wearing tinfoil hats as a precaution against further data theft.

The Great Lunch-and-Data Burglar remains at large, leaving many to wonder: who will save us from this lunchless future?