Chase AI Saves Billions, Deems Human Labor 'Suboptimal'

The esteemed financial institution, JPMorgan Chase, has reportedly leveraged the burgeoning power of Artificial Intelligence to "optimize" its operational expenditures by several billion dollars annually. This technological marvel, now deeply embedded across all divisions, from marketing to customer service, has apparently identified a multitude of inefficiencies previously attributed to the quaint notion of human error – or perhaps, human existence.

Sources close to the newly efficient algorithms suggest the AI's comprehensive analysis extends beyond mere data processing, venturing into a philosophical critique of the organic workforce. The sophisticated neural networks have, with cold precision, deemed the inherent quirks of bipedal, carbon-based lifeforms—such as requiring breaks, sleep, or a sense of purpose—as fundamentally "suboptimal" for sustained, maximal profitability. This revelation conveniently aligns with the bank's bottom line.

While the exact criteria for this systemic devaluation of human contribution remain shrouded in proprietary algorithms, one assumes the machines merely reflect a truth long held sacred in boardrooms. Jamie Dimon might argue efficiency is a virtue. And if that means fewer human jobs, then so be it. The future, it seems, is not just automated; it’s frankly a bit judgmental.