Centenarian Demands Grandkids 'Pump' Her Beanie Babies

It appears that not even the twilight years offer respite from the ceaseless churn of speculative finance. A recently celebrated centenarian, marking her 101st year on this mortal coil, has reportedly found her new purpose not in knitting or chronicling family history, but in the thrilling, volatile world of digital assets. Sources close to the family suggest her golden years are now dedicated to a rather unconventional pursuit: leveraging familial obligation to inflate the perceived value of her cherished collection of Beanie Babies — or, more accurately, their digital analogues on a nascent crypto platform.

One can almost hear the heartfelt appeals: "Now, darling, just a few more clicks. Grandma needs this token to 'moon' so I can finally afford that new set of dentures." This heartwarming scene of intergenerational cooperation highlights the evolving nature of the pump and dump scheme, where even venerable wisdom is now apparently for sale, provided the returns are exponential. While previous generations might have passed down heirlooms or invaluable life lessons, this matriarch is reportedly demanding her grandchildren contribute to her burgeoning cryptocurrency portfolio, an endeavor far less predictable than a pension fund but arguably more exciting for a livestream audience.