Canadiens Secure Top 5 Spot In Prolonged Futility Index

It's a banner day for professional hockey's purveyors of perpetual anticipation, as a recent analysis meticulously ranked the Montreal Canadiens among the elite – the top five, no less – in a fascinating new metric that measures a team's impressive dedication to strategic non-contention. Apparently, missing the playoffs isn't just an outcome; it's a foundational element for a "rebuilding team," a truly inspired redefinition courtesy of our friends at The Athletic. One can only marvel at such innovative categorisation, which transforms simple failure into a complex, multi-year developmental phase.

The sheer audacity of being simultaneously "rebuilding" and "nearest" a Stanley Cup is a philosophical conundrum worthy of the ages. It suggests a future where proximity to ultimate victory is best achieved through a sustained, systematic avoidance of actual victory. Fans, presumably, should now be cheering for their club to maintain a delicate balance of inadequacy, ensuring they never quite succeed enough to escape the coveted "rebuilding" designation, thus preserving their high ranking on this esteemed index of hopeful yet distant glory.