CFOs Demand Tighter Spandex For Optimal Growth-Driving Metrics

The modern financial executive, once content to reside behind spreadsheets and the occasional stern memo, now finds themselves in the peculiar position of being literal ‘drivers of growth.’ This semantic shift has, predictably, led to a re-evaluation of attire, with industry pundits suggesting that the optimal CFO must now don performance-enhancing, form-fitting apparel to truly propel the corporate behemoth forward.

The days of the expansive power suit are waning, replaced by the strategic stretch of a well-calibrated synthetic blend. Boards are reportedly demanding evidence of ‘leveraged core competencies’ and ‘synergistic glutes’ capable of generating the necessary kinetic energy for market acceleration. The emphasis, it seems, has moved from merely managing the numbers to physically embodying their upward trajectory.

One wonders what this means for the venerable concept of corporate governance. Will future quarterly reports include biometric data alongside earnings per share? The pursuit of abstract ‘synergy’ has always been a strenuous affair, but now it appears executives must be prepared to sweat for it.