BlackRock Now Sole Owner Of All Bitcoin, Ethereum

The dust has finally settled on the digital frontier, and in a move that absolutely no one saw coming, BlackRock has reportedly completed its acquisition of literally every single unit of Bitcoin and Ethereum. This monumental consolidation, heralded by market analysts as a triumphant surge of "institutional trust," marks a pivotal moment for those who once dreamt of a decentralized future. Indeed, what better way to ensure the integrity and stability of digital assets than to entrust them entirely to an entity already responsible for quadrillions in traditional finance? It simply makes sense.

Critics, naturally, are howling into the void about "centralization" and "missed opportunities for the little guy," but really, aren't they just being sentimental? Imagine the efficiency! No more confusing self-custody or the pesky illusion of individual control. Now, your digital future can be managed with the same expert, opaque precision as your pension fund. BlackRock assures us that all blockchain operations will continue unabated, albeit from a single, rather large, corporate server farm, ensuring optimal "user experience" and, presumably, direct access to the metaverse’s best corporate real estate.