Bitcoin hits $111K; analysts predict imminent universal collapse

It appears the digital currency known as Bitcoin has once again graced us with an improbable ascent, reaching an astonishing $111,000. This milestone, we are told, stands in stark, yet entirely predictable, contrast to the impending, all-encompassing collapse of everything – a collapse apparently foreseen by a chorus of the most trusted prognosticators of economic woe.

Naturally, this dizzying climb was met with the usual cocktail of suspicion and premature eulogies from the 'trader' community, who evidently possess an almost psychic connection to the market's capricious whims. One can only imagine the palpable anxiety of an asset performing well, knowing full well that the mystical 'selling pressure' from unseen whales) – those leviathans of digital finance – looms perpetually. Their weekend 'upside' was, as always, merely a fleeting hallucination before the cold, hard reality of the weekly close set in, ushering in the next wave of meticulously predicted financial Armageddon, probably involving inflation or some other equally abstract villain.