Bitcoin Plummets To Merely Life-Changing Wealth

The digital tears are flowing faster than transaction speeds as the capricious world of cryptocurrency once again demonstrates its penchant for dramatic, yet oddly lucrative, downturns. Reports indicate a truly harrowing period for those unfortunate souls whose portfolios, once destined for the moon, have merely settled for a leisurely orbit around the Earth. The precipitous drop saw Bitcoin plummet from stratospheric highs to a paltry $104,000 – a sum that, in other markets, might be considered a moderately successful year for an actual human.

One can only imagine the existential dread gripping investors who, just days ago, were contemplating which private island to acquire next, and now face the agonizing decision between two private islands, perhaps with a slightly less prestigious helipad. The derivatives market experienced a staggering $1.4 billion in liquidations, a figure that truly underscores the deep, irreparable harm inflicted upon individuals who are still, by most sensible metrics, astonishingly rich. Spare a thought for their plight.