America Stunned to Learn It Had More Than One President

It seems the collective consciousness of a nation often described as "exceptional" has been stirred by a truly groundbreaking revelation: there were, in fact, other presidents. Beyond the usual Mount Rushmore crowd and that fellow with the log cabin, a recent streaming production has apparently unearthed the rather surprising existence of James A. Garfield, a figure previously relegated to the dusty annexes of particularly niche trivia nights. One can only imagine the flurry of frantic Wikipedia searches this unprecedented historical exposé has triggered.

Evidently, the only way for the public to engage with historical events, particularly those involving fatal lead poisoning, is if they are retrofitted to feel "thrillingly current." This dramatic re-evaluation of Garfield's 1881 demise now means his brief tenure and tragic end are finally palatable for the modern viewer, who presumably requires a historical figure to be as relatable as a character from a popular reality TV show before committing to several hours of viewing. Perhaps future series will address other obscure figures, like the "Founding Fathers," once their narratives can be successfully adapted to mirror contemporary dating woes or the trials of securing a decent coffee subscription.