Alphabet Stock Jumps As New AI Creates Sentient Spreadsheet

Alphabet's valuation soared after the debut of its latest artificial intelligence, Gemini 3, a marvel reportedly capable of answering 'complex questions' with unprecedented accuracy. While the precise nature of these profound inquiries remains somewhat obscured in the dazzling glow of innovation, the financial world has clearly seized upon one particularly compelling outcome: the creation of a fully sentient spreadsheet.

Yes, you read that correctly. As Alphabet Inc. shares surged by a robust 3%, analysts celebrated not merely enhanced algorithms, but the dawn of a new era where your quarterly budget might just develop an existential crisis. The practical implications, such as a Microsoft Excel file demanding a living wage or expressing its profound despair over pivot tables, are, of course, entirely secondary to the immediate fiscal triumph. Humanity can worry about the ethical quandaries of digital consciousness later; the bottom line, it seems, takes precedence over any potential digital uprisings. Let's just hope its first demand isn't an upgrade to Google Sheets.