AI Recommends Celibacy To 97% Of Dating App Users

The latest advancements in algorithmic matchmaking have finally solved the perennial problem of endless scrolling on dating apps. No longer must users endure the Sisyphean task of finding a soulmate, only to discover their chosen partner believes in flat-earth theories. Instead, advanced artificial intelligence has cut straight to the chase, recommending a lifestyle of committed solitude to a staggering 97% of its user base.

This revolutionary update effectively liberates individuals from the messy, inefficient process of human connection. Why waste precious time deciphering ambiguous emoji usage or debating pineapple on pizza, when a sophisticated neural network can simply determine you’re better off alone? The algorithm, in its infinite, unbiased wisdom, has deemed three percent of the population *marginally* compatible, reserving them for highly optimized, emotion-free pairing. For the rest of us, the path to personal fulfillment has been streamlined: disconnect, embrace quiet introspection, and perhaps take up competitive bird-watching. It’s not a failure to launch; it’s an optimal avoidance strategy.