672-ton Church Moved 50 Feet For Better Cell Service

A testament to modern priorities, a historic church), all 672-tons of it, in the Arctic region has been carefully relocated a staggering 50 feet. Not for encroaching glaciers, nor for newfound sacred ground, but to enhance its ability to receive crucial cellular signals.

One can only assume the Almighty's sermons struggled to penetrate the regional permafrost, necessitating a more robust 5G connection for optimal divine reception. Sacrificing the sanctity of an unmolested foundation for the sanctity of a full signal bar truly encapsulates the spirit of the age.

Critics might suggest the move trivializes the architectural heritage of a structure that has likely weathered more spiritual crises than dropped calls. However, proponents surely argue that if parishioners can’t live-stream their Sunday penance or share their hymns on social media, does it truly count? The dedicated team responsible for this colossal undertaking truly deserves a commendation for services rendered to global connectivity, proving that faith, indeed, moves mountains – or at least very heavy buildings – for a better user experience, ensuring no sacred selfie goes unshared.