CPI Data Halts Fed Until Sun Burns Out

The Federal Reserve has reportedly entered a new phase of strategic contemplation, choosing to remain perfectly still until such time as the very fabric of the universe reconfigures itself to their liking. Fresh CPI data, a veritable Rosetta Stone of modern economic woes, has apparently revealed nuances so profound that any immediate action on borrowing costs would be tantamount to heresy. One might imagine officials perched atop Mount Olympus, peering into tea leaves while the world below continues its unperturbed orbit.

This newfound, almost geological, patience is said to stem from "budding concerns" within the labor market. What precisely constitutes a "budding concern" remains shrouded in the mists of quantitative easing, but suffice it to say, it's delicate enough to warrant a complete policy standstill, perhaps until humanity invents a perpetual motion machine or the sun eventually, inevitably, flickers out. Rest assured, when the Fed finally stirs, the world will have undoubtedly moved on, entirely unprompted by their decades-long deliberation.